who would have thought that it’d take me almost two years to throw my thoughts into the abyss all over again?
i stumbled by my old blog this week and for some reason, instead of going to the website i was supposed to go to, i decided to click and read.
‘ it was nostalgic ’
it made me realise how much i missed writing, pondering, connecting, and just getting all these little bits of myself outside my system. i don’t think i get to do that anymore.
i cannot really remember why i stopped, and when i started thinking beyond the love of writing, the hunger to connect, and the endless questioning. i think i succumbed to the idea that i wasn’t enough for any and all of these. and these thoughts and my words are nothing but spilled ink and a dead pixel.
i forgot the beauty of how fleeing i was — that none of it mattered. i might be insignificant, but i’m not going to be here forever. might as well leave my mark and maybe, like a message in a bottle, someone will stumble upon.
i think i’ve changed a lot compared to how i was when i disappeared two—four years ago. at some point along the way, i’ve also fallen off social media and found a small space for me to lurk and still be in touch with society.
maybe i’ve forgotten how to share the little big stuff in life. i think i’ve become selfish in that aspect. or maybe you can say that i’ve learnt to live in the moment.
it’s both a good thing and not.
i think living in the moment stopped me from wandering around and wondering. having conversations on why life. it stopped me from taking photos of the sky, or looking at the stars or the moon. realising that made me sad.
my memory isn’t the best and having photos, posts, or a place to store them in would’ve been nice. there were a lot of good and bad things that happened way back that i’d love to stumble across again. and maybe for a second, relive those moments. all i can do now is rely on my unreliable memory, and maybe write them down to later on stumble across again.
but now, that’s what this little space will be. something to look back to… like reading a letter from an old friend.
‘ it’s been almost 4 years for me, how have you been? ’